Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
