My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
