I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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