how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
