Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
