Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
