Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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