so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
