Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
