Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i think i have herpe
just one?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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