You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
