We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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