Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
