Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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