haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
