was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
