just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
