Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
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i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
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Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
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