I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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