I accidentally had phone sex last night
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
