More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
