Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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