I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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