If that was your dad, he is hot
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
