i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
