I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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