dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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