biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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