I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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