The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
