Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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