i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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