I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Your penis caused this!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
