Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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