Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
