he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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