This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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