i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
