I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
