I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
