I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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