Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
