loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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