Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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