Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
