I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
