Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
