i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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