I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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