I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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