I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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