just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
