I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
