I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
