Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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